Title: To Have Loved You

Author: Regency/ KathrynMacKenzieCarter

Rating: PG

Summary: Harm writes a letter.

Author's Notes: This is during that sad and cursed time when Mac was with Mic. Harm's given up hope.

Status: *Revising*

Dear Sarah,

There are some things that you need to know and I need to say.

One, thank you. Thank you, for being in my life and allowing me to love you.

People say I have done great things, but the greatest thing I've ever done is loved you. You caused my greatest joy and my greatest pain all at once. Your happiness is my misery and so it goes, so it goes. You have had this heart this heart to break and you have. This isn't why I'm writing you, though it's doubtful you'll ever get it. I'm writing you to say goodbye. To say goodbye to the covert glances and the silent conversations, the affectionate touches and the playful nicknames. Flyboy and Ninjagirl. No more. Goodbye to the flirting phrases and the cryptic comments. All of that's over now. Now there's only a friend wanting no more from you than a civil good morning and a kind good night. That's all I ask of you now. Not your trust in me, but in my abilities. Not your friendship, but your kindness and respect. I only ask of you one thing. That is to never forget I loved you, and to never forget what we once were together. A team, best friends, maybe more.

To have loved you was

the best thing in the world.

To have you watched you grow is something

only I know.

To have loved you as I do

and as I shouldn't kills me.

But to love you more as I do now

is to walk away and not.

But to never forget is

the means to an end.

Our end.

This end.

The end.

To have loved you more was to walk away from you emotionally, but never to leave physically. To have loved you was my greatest accomplishment and my downfall. For you to never know leaves this as my cross to bear alone. My cross burns steadily through my flesh and will soon reach my heart, but the cross my heart bears has already broken it, and it can take no more once the cross burns through my skin. And when those two crosses meet, my soul will silently implode. I will no longer feel, no longer be. I will implode into emptiness, darkness, infinity. Eternity. Peace.

To have loved as I do now

I thank you.

Sincerely,

Harmon Rabb Jr.

*_Harmon Rabb Jr._*

P.S. Never settle for a love you can live with.

Settle only for the love you can't live without.

Harm looked over the letter once more before carefully folding it and putting it in a cobalt blue envelope. On the front in his neatest writing he wrote Sarah MacKenzie. He kissed his fingers before touching them to her name. He opened his side drawer and sat the letter there gently, before closing that drawer, along with his heart to Sarah MacKenzie.