Title: Silently

Author: Regency

Rating: PG for adult situations

Pairing: Sara/Grissom; Sara/OFC

POV: Grissom

Spoilers/Sequel: None as far as I know; I don't think so.

Category: Angst; Romance; Character Death

Summary: I thought I knew you better than that. It turns out that unfortunately for me I did.

Author's Notes: I'll admit this may a bit out of character for Sara, but it's just an idea. Also, when Griss speaks or thinks, hear it in a wistful, weak, almost weary tone.

Disclaimer: I believe everything, but the OFC belongs to Jerry Bruckheimer, etc.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'll be the first to admit I didn't see this coming in the beginning. You were always the impenetrable one, the untouchable height, the Mount Olympus of us all. Certainly, you had your heart which constantly back to Earth with us mere mortals and all of our fatal fallacies, but your heart was always in the right place. Whatever happened to that? Whatever happened to appeal for the victim, not for the perpetrator?

Anyway, I guess we're beyond that now or at least, I am.

You let him out or you're at least part of the reason he got out. You got too close, became too much involved. I warned you and you wouldn't hear me. You even accused me of jealousy, of wanting you to be as miserable as I am...was. But, I didn't care. That wasn't the case; it was never about that.

You went against your own code of ethics, you messed with the evidence. I knew you had, because I saw you do it. I prayed as I haven't since I was an altar boy that you'd see what you were doing and stop before all the evidence was voided. You didn't and I didn't stop you. I'll never know what you were thinking. I do know that I wasn't.

So he got out, because mysteriously all of the evidence against him was inconclusive. From the hair samples to the DNA we found; it was all indecisive. We had nothing against him and he walked. He'd probably killed an innocent 4-year old girl and he walked; just because you liked him. From the moment you met him, he charmed you and that was the ballgame, or the roach race, as it were.

He didn't seem violent, even to me, but I, of course, having the benefit of experience and a better understanding of human nature and what it's capable of, wasn't fooled. You were completely taken in.

I once thought you were better than the criminals you helped put away, but what am I supposed to do when you become one of them? I had to find more evidence, uncompromised evidence, so here I am. You knew that I knew what you had done. You may have even seen me watching you that day. But you held the fact that I hadn't stopped you over my head. If that ever went to trial, I could be held as an accessory to conceal a crime after the fact.

But justice must outweigh blame for lack thereof.

So, I came back to the scene of the crime in hopes in finding something, anything to get this guy back in front of a jury, but I'm guessing you knew I would and you told him that. I don't know if your intent was for him to try and stop me or destroy any other evidence that he may have left behind and we overlooked. At this point I'm certain that I'll never know.

Whichever was his goal, he succeeded at stopping me and recovering whatever evidence we missed in the original processing. It was a clash and it wasn't a pretty one. All I can say is, "You don't need a photo to know who lost here." In case you hadn't figured, he strutted out of here and I don't think I'll get to leave alive. That man was a charmer, for the most part, But he was a jackal inside. He beat the crap out of me with the same murder weapon he used to kill little Steau Lee-Bristow. How did he get it? I could probably tell you, but I won't because it implies things I can't begin to believe. I won't believe.

I thought you were great, Sara. And though I never said the words, I loved you more than there are words for. I wanted great things for you. A great man for you, even if that meant a man other than me. It always meant a man other than me. You had so much to do, so much going for you. All I was trying to do was make sure justice was done...and to protect you. I know it was wrong as you knew. But I think you knew I'd do this all along. You were counting on it, I think. Don't pretend you weren't... Ah, the lady doth protest too much.

But, back here to the moment at hand. I let out something akin to a sigh or a gag. It's hard to tell really. I'd laugh if I didn't feel like crying. So this is what it feels like on the other side of the crime scene investigation. Quite frankly, I could've gone my whole career without knowing this and been perfectly content, but I digress...I am here and dying in a horrendous amount of pain, but of course, I am not dead yet...unfortunately for me. They never told me that dying took so long, or maybe they did and I just wasn't listening. I do that a lot, or I don't do that. I rarely listen to the loudest voice out there, always to the quietest ones. In viewing the fine print, we miss the whole of the contract.

Whoever said, " To die alone is a most terrible death, but to die for one so loved and traitorous is the most terrible death."said it right. This is the death that you've doomed me to Sara. We often spoke of those who lingered for hours in the throes death, but it's always in the abstract; it was never us. Could never be us. We were the investigators, not the investigated.

It's getting hard to think now, which for me is definitely saying something. I wonder what will happen to Sara when this gets out. Oh, and it will get out. This I made sure of. There's an e-mail set to go out in about...well, I don't know when. I can't move to see my watch. Some time around 9:30. That should be coming up soon.

It's addressed to every employee in the office from Eckley to the janitor. No matter what happens to me, but this will come out. And he will be put away. So will Sara, most likely.

I hear footsteps. Running. Whose running? Who could it be? Is he back? Is he gonna put me out of my misery, for lack of a better term.

Sara. What's are you doing here? You drop down by my head. Hi. I'm not so successful in the speaking. You press your hand against my cheek and turns my face to look into your eyes.

"Gris, you there? Yeah, okay. You need to stay with me, okay? I need you here. Please don't let go. Don't ever let go." You pull out your cellphone. "This is CSI Sara Sidle. I need all units to...We have an officer down. I repeat: We have an officer down. It. Is. Serious. I repeat: It. Is. Urgent. I need those units now!" Don't bother, Sara. It's no use. It's kind of ironic that the one who got me here is the one who tries to save me. I'd laugh if I could still feel my body. You look at me and put down the phone.

I guess I said that out loud. You look so sad, now. Don't be sad, Sara. You couldn't have known it would come to this. Well, maybe you could have, but let's not do that now. I smile at you the best I can. I want to reassure you. I'm okay. At least I will be.

You try to smile at me, but the tears get in the way. You're beautiful, even when you cry. I wish I could wipe the tears away, but it's too late now.

"I'm so sorry for this, Gris. This is all my fault. If I hadn't--" I managed to press my finger to your lips. There's no more time for this.

"It's okay. Don't worry much about it. You'll be okay." It's getting dark, but it may have been that way when I came in.

"It was him, wasn't it?" I don't answer. I couldn't if I wanted to. I used up my energy trying to touch you. Besides, you already know the answer. "We'll get him, Griss. He won't get away with this. We won't let him. We just need to get you settled into the hospital and we'll get right on it. We'll..." I stop listening here. Nothing you say will really happen. Hopefully, except for the part about catching the guy. The only place I could be settled into at the hospital by the time this is over is the morgue.

That always was you, Sara. You want to see the good side of everything and everyone. I think we're out of good sides here.

It's hard to hear you now. But don't stop talking. I need you to keep talking.

I guess what I'll regret the most is never saying what drifts in consciousness now. You have all my love.

And...I guess that's all I have to say. Though I've never really said it. And I never will.

I'm not going out with a bang or a whimper. I going as I came...Silently.