He stared at the ceiling for a couple of hours after he made the call to concede. The staff had filed out for the most part, except for her anyway. She sat in the arm chair across the way and he felt her eyes on him. She was wearing her glasses again, something she only did to hide what she was thinking. He’d always hated that habit. He was a man who wanted thoughts given voice and feelings expressed. It was a wonder he’d ever survived in politics.

He sighed. It was too quiet; even with the spirits of candidates past drifting in and out of focus and Leo’s loss weighing on his mind, he could still hear her breathing. He heard the brief rustle of upholstery as she pulled her legs beneath her and settled in for a long stay.

He felt like he’d let her down tonight. Yes, he’d done what felt right deep down but for the country, he wasn’t so sure. He could’ve contested this thing for the next seven election cycles -- could’ve made a whole other career of it -- and it wouldn’t have made a bit of difference. Given so much time, the People would move on and he would just be another old man dwelling on things that could not be changed.

He didn’t want to be one of those men. He still had things he wanted to accomplish, causes to support. He still wanted to visit Cambodia -- those Feed the Children commercials always touched him-- and help out in some way, if only to lend his name. He still wanted to make life a little easier for those who had to work so hard just to survive. He still wanted…a lot. And he had given it all up tonight. Why?

He supposed he owed her an explanation. He sat forward from his self-imposed time out and clasped his hands in front of him. She saw that he was ready to talk and gave him her full attention. The glasses remained and she kept her arms crossed tightly in front of her. She wasn’t giving him an out, no emotion or appeal to their past relationship.

“First thing, I want to thank you for coming all this way with me.”

She nodded slowly, dropping her eyes momentarily to look at the coffee table before raising them back to his. “There’s nowhere else I’d have wanted to be.”

He muttered softly to himself. Of course she’d say that. This was Sheila. “Yes, but still. You didn’t have to. I mean, you really put yourself out sometimes and I don’t want you to think I didn’t notice or that I didn’t care. I did.” He was floundering already. It was her steady gaze on him, keeping him off his game.

“I know.” She at least looked sympathetic now. She had tipped her head just a bit and rested her chin on her fist. She wasn’t giving him more than this yet. He still owed her more.

“I gave it away tonight, as I’m sure you noticed?” She made a brief noncommittal sound. “I just…couldn’t do it, Sheila. I couldn’t take the election Leo McGarry had rightfully won. I don’t care what Santos said about it being the process that was important and not the candidates. Leo won that campaign for him. Leo and the newly-legal teeny boppers who got all hot and bothered at the sight of a tall, dark, handsome man and all the power he could hold. I couldn’t do it.”

She stared at him for a few tense moments before breaking their match and taking off her glasses to rub her eyes. “It’s been a really long adventure, hasn’t it?” There was a tinge of sad amusement in her voice.

“Unbearably long,” he said, a little amused in retrospect. It was probably the relief and fatigue talking.

She actually sniffled a little then. “Oh man,” she chastised herself and rubbed at her eyes. Arnie rose without thinking and came to kneel as best as he could at her side with a handkerchief. He touched her shoulder. He never had before. He’d made it a point not to in the past. He didn’t even notice the small gesture. Sheila noticed.

“What’s the matter?” She laughed self-deprecatingly and exhaled, trying to stave off any further melancholy.

“I was just thinking this is the first campaign I’ve worked on with a body count and we didn’t even win. You would think that after all that’s happened, we’d at least get to win.”

He settled for perching on the arm of the chair. “You’d think so.” He was being as comforting as possible and trying in vain not to feel at fault for her tears. He always seemed to be hurting the people in his life; personal and political.

“And…he died, Arnie. I didn’t know him. I may have met him all of once and we may have disagreed on every political issue under the sun, but he was a good man. I could see that.” She dropped her head into her hands and took a shuddering breath. He wasn’t used to seeing her so shaken. “He was younger than you. And just like you, he had one of the most powerful positions on Earth ahead of him. He had a woman who loved him and a new grandson. Then, he just died.” She looked up at the former Presidential Candidate. “It doesn’t seem right.”

He rubbed her back. “No, it doesn’t. The world is a lesser place for him no longer being in it.”

Sheila nodded her ascent, looking bleakly at the carpet. “I keep thinking…how easily -- how easily it could be you.”

He was surprised and taken aback. “Yeah, I’ve had similar thoughts. I‘ll admit, it made me think.”

“Me, too.” He watched her purse her lips and tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. Some time ago her clip had fallen out. It was sitting on the end table on the far side of the room. He’d spent the better part of two hours ago fiddling with it as he stared at the ceiling. She turned towards her boss and tried to look the courage of her convictions. “Senator --”

“We’re back at that now?”

She glared at him sternly and he wisely shut his mouth. “Senator, this has been an exceptional journey to embark on. I’ve been enjoyed it, even the hard parts, even the parts where you made me crazy. Even the parts --”

“Where I nearly derailed the entire thing,” he finished for her, smiling.

“Are you going to let me finish or can I assume you already know what I’m about to say?” She challenged him with her eyes and he backed down. He saw that she was serious; he held up his hands in surrender. “Thank you. And yes, I even enjoyed those parts. I liked fighting with you, for you, for your good intentions. And if things were different, I’d say I wanted to continue doing that.” She visibly struggled for the right words.

“But?” He felt a growing sense of unease at her silence. He knew with his concession he had lost a lot but losing Sheila might really be the end of him. “Sheila, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying, I can’t work for you anymore. It has to end here.” He looked away from her, from her guilt-filled expression. The windows were shut, the curtains drawn; there was nothing to look at but the finely decorated walls. Of all the abandoments…

“Are you at least going to tell me why or do I have to guess?”

She cleared her throat and blinked back a few tears. Her eyes were still too bright and he was beginning to feel the affect of her sorrow. “I’ve been thinking about this for a while.”

“How long?”

“The last three hours.”

He was incredulous. “In the last three hours, you decided that because I got my ass kicked in the Presidential election I was no longer worth associating with? That’s real loyalty, Sheila. Thanks a lot.” He began to pace.

She stood up and bodily stopped him. “No, that’s not it. That’s not it. I am loyal to you, only to you.”

“Then, be straight with me. What’s going?” He was appealing to her directly, with unguarded eyes and upturned hands. She held onto his arms and made a decision. She was helpless to do anything else but ‘fess up.

“Something‘s happened to me recently. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but over the last few months…,” she bit her lips, stalling herself a little. She gave up. What would be would be. “I‘ve developed feeling for you that go beyond friendship. I can’t work with you knowing I feel this way and that you don’t feel same for me.”

Arnie looked at her, uncertain he’d heard her right over the combined rushing of his blood and thudding of his heart in his ears. She looked literally afraid and yet, so incredibly brave at the same time. She had said these words to him knowing she wouldn’t be able to take them back. He continued to watch her and she knotted her fingers together in front of her and dropped her head again so that her hair obscured his view of her face. He snapped out of his trance when he heard her take abortive breaths through a stuffed nose and saw her quake just so. She was crying.

“Hey, hey, none of that.” He reached for her and brought her into his arms, encompassing her fully. “It’s okay,” he rubbed her back tenderly. “It’s all right. You haven’t done anything wrong.” She sounded miserable. “And all this time, I was praying you wouldn’t notice that you were the only thing that kept me going.”

She stiffened in his embrace, her face tucked into his shoulder. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that over the last few months -- over the last few years actually -- I’ve fallen for you and I’ve fallen hard.” He waited with bated breath for her to say something, but the room became quiet again. Too quiet; it didn’t sound like she was breathing either. “One of us should take a breath now.”

She scoffed, letting go of the breath she’d been unconsciously holding. “I was waiting for you to take it back.”

He held her tighter, relishing the sensation of her body against his. He’d forgotten how to feel like this. “I’m done denying what I know to be true and right. I love you, Sheila. So much it scares the hell out of me and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“You can pretend you don’t feel it.” She was smiling against his neck.

“How’d that work out for you?”

“Let me tell ya, not so good.” She tentatively wrapped her arms around him in turn, stroking her hands across his back. He kissed her temple and held her tighter. “But things are looking up.”

“They are.” He heard the celebratory screaming of the Santos headquarters still playing on the television as late into the night as it was. They had won the election; he had gained a new life.

He was a lot like Leo. Only he had gotten lucky.

 

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