Just Me and My Babies

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From: 3rd1stDaughterWhiteHouse.gov

Subject: The Week of January 17,

And my boyfriend, Charlie is a jackass. An enormous jackass! God, how could he do this to me when I need him so much...Especially now.

wwwwww

January 11: My sister died a few days ago. Not my sister, but a sister of mine. She died of a drug overdose. We had the funeral yesterday. Noah’s been staying with us, because his dad, Mark’s already been declared an unfit parent, at least for the time being. Nariel’s parents are in no condition to care for him. As though I’m in any better position.

I haven’t held him in two days. He’s spent his time between daddy and mom. They both love having him around despite the circumstances. He’s like the fourth Bartlet Baby. We all dote over him. He reminds me so much of Nariel. I’ll tuck him in tonight.

I don’t know what’s going to happen to him, but the only option I can see as acceptable isn’t acceptable at all. I want him. I can’t have him, but I want him. I want to raise him for Nariel, to give him the life she won’t be able to. I want him to feel the love she had for him. I want him to be my son.

I haven’t told anyone that I’ve been feeling this way, not even Charlie. There’s no way I can do this. But, at the same time, I have to. I have to grow up and I have to grow up now. There are storm clouds on the horizon. And it’s hurricane season.

Let me tell you about yesterday...

We had Nari’s funeral today. I asked Daddy to pull some strings and he did. We’re having her funeral at St. Joseph’s; she’ll be interred Richmond Garden Cemetery in D.C. Her parents wanted her buried in Oklahoma, where she was born, but I knew that she wouldn’t have wanted that. She hated Oklahoma and the life she’d led there. I won’t let her be as wounded by the decisions of others in death as she had been in life. Who would have thought you could have a hard life in Oklahoma? I wouldn’t have, but she did.

I wore a dark navy dress with pearl earrings and 2-inch heels. I think Nari would have approved given the occasion. She was all about being beautiful through hardship. I’m going to carry that with me. I will be beautiful and strong in good times and in bad. I will live on.

I’ve gained weight, all of it my own. I look about four to five months pregnant with the suit on and a few weeks pregnant without it. In the dress I wore, I guess it was more pronounced. When I walked by, people double-took. They looked and then, looked again to see if their eyes deceived them. Nope. Little Zoey Bartlet looks like she’s gotten herself into trouble. Yep, assumption is a powerful tool of persuasion.

People were, of course, respectful in how they discussed my condition, seeing as I had to be going through quite the ordeal, but discuss it still, they did. They’d point out parts of my body and analyze me. Someone working in the Residence was monitoring my eating and sleeping habits. I’ve become everyone’s favorite piece of gossip. And I’m writing it all down. These...cheap people are going to be apart of my final paper and my thesis. They’re going to help me graduate. That doesn’t mean I dislike them any less though. They’re taking me apart and studying me in pieces, as though that’s how I work--Reductionism. I don’t work in pieces. I barely worked at all today.

I held Noah in my arms at the funeral and the interment. When her casket left St. Joseph’s he cried. When they put her into the ground, he cried, but so did I. When the priest blessed her soul one final time, all that was left to do was cry. What happens now? Now, we go home.

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CJ held a press conference for us. The press pool was as bloodthirsty as always and they had questions...about me. Like that was some totally shocking surprise. My life has become a circus.

“CJ! CJ!” She put her hand up to try and impose some order to the room. It was a futile effort, as the throng only seemed to get louder. Finally, CJ had had enough.

“All right, everybody can it! Or nobody gets their questions answered and nobody meets their deadline.” That shut the whole pressroom up. Everybody had a deadline to meet. CJ’d never lost her temperature like this on-air before. This was going to be somebody’s sidebar. “Now, one at a time. You get one well thought out question and then, you’re done for this one. One question. Make it count. Kelsey, go.” The reporter, feeling the pressure, took a breath.

“CJ, can you confirm reports that Zoey Bartlet is in the family way?” Everyone stopped to see what CJ would do, or say. They also stopped to wonder if she’d really just said ‘in the fanily way.’ Someone was living in a different decade. CJ finally spoke.

“Okay, first off, we’re living in a new era, Kels. You’re allowed to say pregnant on television now. And to your question: no, I cannot confirm reports that Zoey Bartlet is pregnant. She does not share that kind of information with me and even if she did, I would not be sharing it with you all. Next question.” Hands shot up all over. CJ inspected them all quickly before picking a long time favorite. “Katie, go.”

“CJ, can you confirm rumors that Zoey Bartlet is actually considering caring for her roommate’s son permanently and adopting him?” CJ looked over her notes. I hadn’t told her I’d been thinking about that. I hadn’t told anyone. How’d they know?

“No, I cannot confirm this. I haven’t talked to Zoey for a few days. I don’t know what she’s thinking right now. I do not know her state-of-mind. I do know that she’s gone through a trauma and is trying her best to deal with it. I can say that the little boy is currently staying in the Residence with the First Fanily. I do not know what the long-term plans are for him. Okay, two more questions. Danny.” The redhead seemed surprised at actually being called. Things had been a little messy between he and CJ for awhile. “Danny, go.”

“There are multiple reports stating that nearly a dozen used pregnancy tests were found in Zoey’s dorm room. These same reports have stated that every one of them was positive. Can you confirm that?” CJ knew how close she was to being caught up in a lie of her own making.

“No. I wasn’t in the dorm room. I only know that there were in fact home pregnancy tests there. I have that straight from Zoey.”

“So, there is a chance that she might be pregnant?” CJ glared at him for flying in the face of her rule.

“There’s a chance that I might be pregnant, too, but there aren’t any cops in my bathroom so that’s between me and the little cotton applicator. And no, we aren’t talking about me. The White House does not discuss the personal lives of its Senior Staff. Period. Now, you can all thank Danny, because he just used up your last question.” Everyone groaned and threw balled-up paper at his red-beacon of a head. “That’s a full lid everybody. See you in the morning.” She stepped down and left the room.

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That was yesterday and it’s catching. Now, everyone’s questioning my virtue, what there is of it. I think the cat’s out of the bag now...

I’m pregnant. I just haven’t told Charlie yet. Or mom, though I think that Dad’s pretty wise to it by now. Me, I’m just going to stick with denial a little bit longer. At least, until after I puke. Excuse me, I’m going to go throw up now...Damned morning, noon, and night sickness. You never know when it’ll hit you.

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January 12: I walk down to the West Wing with my arms wrapped around my ever-growing self. I’m getting bigger everyday. It feels like it anyway. I have to tell Charlie. I don’t know what to do. He’ll know what to do.

I peak into the Outer Office. Charlie’s sitting at his desk, working on something. Maybe I shouldn’t interrupt; I could come back. Yeah, I’ll come back. It’ll be easier...later. I think it will. Everything will be easier in the morning. Right?

January 13: I put off telling Charlie for another day. I don’t know why, but I’m getting a bad feeling about this. Like I don’t already feel bad enough. Oh, and it turns out that Nariel didn’t do everything completely without thought. Apparently, she left me a letter among Noah’s things. In case I didn’t find it, she left a copy with her family’s lawyer. Here’s what it said:

Dear Zoey, my sister and twin spirit,

I know that if you’re reading this I’m gone and that I’ve died some sad and probably lonely death. If that is the case, then know this: I wanted to die, Zoey. You’ve tried to save me a thousand times and you haven’t failed me, I’ve failed me. And I’ve failed Noah. And you. You have been a hundred more times a mother to him than me. I see you with him and know that he will be better off in your care than mine. My death wasn’t just a quirk of fate, some tragedy of circumstance. I knew what would happen. You have to understand me, Zoey. I wanted to be free. But I wanted to take you with me too. I never go anywhere without you, except for where I went tonight. I didn’t want you to get hurt or into trouble and I wanted my son to have more. You can give him so much more. For the first time in my life, I’m thinking of someone else. That’s why I remand him to your care. Take care of my baby, Zoey. And take care of yourself. You have such a life ahead of you (especially with Charlie).

Loving you so much, sister of yours (by different parents),

Nariel Riley-Burke

That managed to put a damper on my day, but at the same time it gave me some closure. These were her final words to me and they were pretty good. She was always beyond me. I thought I’d failed to save her, but maybe by loving Noah, I’m doing what I was trying to do all along: Give her peace.

January 14: I told Charlie today. It didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. Charlie’s supposed to be different, you know? He’s supposed to love me completely. Whatever happened to the great guy he was? I thought he’d be happy or at least too dazed to make up his mind. He wasn’t dazed or happy; he was in denial...

I walk up to him, cautiously. I’m feeling sicker than usual and I’ve decided that it’s time for Charlie to know what’s going on. He’s working again. I could come back--No, I have to tell him now or it could be months before I do. I’m sure he’d figure it out along the way, but I know he’d appreciate hearing it from me a lot sooner. Like now.

“Hey, Charlie.” He looks up at me and smiles.

“Hey. What’s up? You look kind of pale.” I touch my face self-consciously and feel the slight clamminess of my skin. Wonderful, I look as good as I feel. Like crap.

“It’s nothing, I’m just, you know...Look are you busy, right now?” He looks at his watch and then, at the door to my father’s office.

“Nah, I got some time for you. What’s up?” I tilt my head towards the doors to the portico and we go out. We walk down the sidewalk together silently. I’m scared of what he’ll say. “Zoey, what is it? What’s wrong?” I turn to him, looking over his shoulder at the agents standing a respectful distance away. I wonder if they can hear us. He takes my chin and forces me to look into his eyes. “Zoey, talk to me.”

“I’m pregnant.” His hand falls away from my face and he just looks at me like an alien. I step away from him and turn around. His silence chills me. I tighten my sweater around me. I just realized how cold it is. He still hasn’t spoken. I turn back to him. He rubs his head and blinks.

“What?” That’s all he can say and it isn’t making me feel any better . “I mean, you’re, you know...” He points at my stomach like it’s something strange and abnormal. I nod. “Wow. I don’t know what to say.” I step toward him, but stop when he speaks again. “Is it mine?” I give my head a shake and hope that he didn’t just say what I’m sure he just said.

“Excuse me, Charles Young. Did you dare ask me what you just asked me?” He puts his hands up and shrugs.

“I don’t know what to think, Zoey. I know that there’s no way, no way it could be mine. I mean, we were careful. It has to be somebody else’s. I know you said, you were faithful, but things happen sometimes.” My vision is hazy and I stumble away from him. That’s not the Charlie I know. That’s not the Charlie I love, not the one that loves me. Now, I don’t think he even loves me at all. He wouldn’t ask me that if he had.

“How could you even say that to me? After all these years, you--you have the nerve to say...that I haven’t been faithful, haven’t been true. I was terrified of coming to you today, Charlie, terrified. I put it off for days. I was so afraid that you wouldn’t be happy, but I never in my wildest dreams suspected that you’d accuse me of infidelity and lying. I can’t believe you, Charlie. I can’t believe you at all.” I turn away, but a surge of anger goes through me and I turn back to him. Before I can stop myself, my fist connects with his jaw and he staggers away from me. “I don’t need you or your accusations. I can and I will take care of this baby without you. I thought you were different, Charlie, but you’re no better than the man you came from. You’re just like your father.”

“You don’t know anything about my father.”

“I know that I’m glad that I found out what a coward you were before I had anymore children with you. Well, you get your wish, Charlie. Consider yourself freed of all obligation to me or to this baby. And just for the record, Charlie, you’re the only one I’ve ever been with. You’re the only one I’ve ever shared myself with. I gave you something special, something precious and this is what you give me in return. I’m gonna have the most beautiful baby in the world and you’re gonna be so sorry. I know I would be.” I twist away and stalk through the portico doors back into the Outer Office. I’m shaking with rage and a ball of iron is choking me. How could he say that?

Suddenly, I’m so afraid of what’s coming. I look back out onto the portico and see Charlie still holding his jaw, looking out over the distance. He’s not even gonna come after me. Fine, I can do this without that bastard. It’s game time, Zoey. This is just the warm-up.

So, why do I feel so afraid? I run out of the Outer Office as fast as I can, passing staffers left and right. As I sprint into the Residence almost completely out of breath, I think to myself, This is gonna be on somebody’s front page. As I feel myself losing consciousness I amend the thought, Make that everybody’s front page, above the fold.

January 15: I woke up about 7 o’clock this morning, my parents a familiar sight beside me. Dad has a pinched look on his face and mom is still asleep, I think. Though, she’s fooled us before.

“You’re awake.” I smile and nod a little. I still feel a little woozy.

“What happened to me?”

“What’s the last thing you remember?” I think back and my eyes start to tear up, but I blink them away. I will not cry another tear for Charles Young. He will cry for me.

“I remember running and getting into the elevator. I think I passed out.” I rub a sore spot on my head with a wince. “I think I hit my head, too.” He sits up, adjusting mom in his arms. She stirs a little, but continues to sleep.

“Yeah, you did quite a number on yourself, honey. And Charlie, too. His jaw is pretty banged up.” I shrug and try not to feel too satisfied with myself. He deserved it; ignorant bastard. “Why’d you hit him?” I still don’t answer. “You don’t have to tell me, but it’s all over the news and I’m bound to find out about it, either way. You can tell me the truth or I can read the New York Times and hear the truth as they think they know it. Your choice.” Not much of one, if I do say so myself. And I do.

“I’m pregnant, Daddy. I’m going to have a baby.” He completely freezes and stares at me as though there’s some sign there. I’m getting a strong sense of déjà vu. I find myself laughing--laughing hard enough to rouse mom, who almost falls off the lounge chair. Dad just catches her. She rubs her eyes and blinks at me.

“Zoey, honey, are you all right?” I just keep laughing. She looks at daddy with a concerned expression. She doesn’t realize how beautiful she looks when she’s concerned. I want to be that beautiful. “Jed, is she okay?”

“I don’t think so.” I finally calm down and cuddle back down under the covers, watching them. This is what I wanted for my baby, what I expected them to have, but I guess not. Besides, maybe there’s a guy out there for me. Blended families aren’t all bad. It’ll just be me, the baby, and Noah for now. We don’t need Charlie; we have our family right here. They look at me before sharing another look; their silent communication. I want that harmony, that synchrony. I wanted me and Charlie to be that. I want to be that beautiful.

I cover my head with the covers and curl up into a miserable ball, because if wishes were horses, then beggars would ride. I’m not a beggar, so I guess I’ve been bucked.

I’ve never hated myself for having so much.

January 16: I’ve decided that it’s time to get back to school. I’m taking Noah with me. I’ve packed and said my goodbyes. I don’t want people waving as I leave. I just want to go back to my life. My life without Charlie. I’ll get used to that eventually...or not.

I didn’t say goodbye to him. He’s had nearly three days to apologize and he hasn’t. I’m so out of here.

January 17: I went to the doctor today. I shall say it was an experience within an ordeal. A moment of joy in suffering. The doctor did an ultrasound today. I’m about three months pregnant, so the baby was conceived in November, right around the time that I made a flight-by-night trip for Thanksgiving to see my parents and Charlie in D.C. before finals were to start.

Our baby has a heartbeat, but no father. Now, I’m pissed and tempted to call Charlie to give him a piece of my mind, but I’ll spare him this. I’m having mood swings. This is mine and I’ll keep it that way. I found out my approximate due date too. It’s July 25. I’m freaking out that there’s an actual person inside me and they’re depending on me. That’s put a lot of things into perspective. I have to take care of myself. And my babies.

Noah and I take our naps together and I rest him on my stomach. He’s so small in my arms. He sleeps through most of the night, so I sleep pretty well. Sometimes, I’m sure I feel a kick inside of me, but there’s no way. It’s too soon, isn’t it? Six months until the baby gets her and four months until graduation. I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish the experiment without tainting it. Scratch that, it’s already tainted.

This has been the longest day and the ones that follow are sure to get longer. My back is starting to hurt and my breasts feel a bit tender and Noah’s rooting. I swear that if he finds something, I’ll be officially freaked. Wait, I’m already freaked. This can’t be my life. Uh oh, I’m going postal. Deep breath, Zoey. Deep breath. Okay, I’m back under control. For the moment.

I need to get some sleep, I’m going to have tomorrow off, so I can rest then, but I’m tired now. And Noah’s down, so the time is ripe. Oh, God, big pun unintended.

I lay down with Noah nestled against me on my bare stomach. My babies and me against the world. They may choose to judge me, but I choose to simply live. Besides, I have a family to raise. It’s just me and my babies. I don’t really need anyone else.

Well, not too much anyway.

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