I Promise...

Abbey blows the hay out her face as she wakes up from her sleep in the hayloft of the barn. It‘s still kind of dark even though noon has surely come already. All she’s done is sleep since she got here. She forgot to bring anything to eat with her and all she did have with her was a blanket, Jed’s jacket, and a picture. As for as she’s concerned, that’s all she’s going to need.

But she is lonely. She misses Jed, but knows that there’s no way that she can go back. No way. That was the last of it. She can’t and won’t pretend anymore. Dr. Abigail Bartlet is gone and Jed is still pining for her. No matter what he says, she is still and will always be all that he wants. She’s tried, but there is no way that she can act that well. It hurts because she loves him so much and he doesn’t understand.

She loves him like a woman loves a man, not like a student loves a teacher. It’s like he can’t feel that way about her anymore. She rubs her face and tries not to think too hard about it. She’s here now and she won’t ever have to see Jed Bartlet again...No matter how much she wants to. He doesn’t love her and she just wants him to have someone who can love him like she loves him. She’s going away for him, because that’s what you do for someone you love so much.

She doesn’t think he’ll come looking for her. He’ll be happy, now that he doesn’t have to look after a useless child, she thought to herself. It burns her to think that he would think of her that way, but it’s all that she can think of to keep herself from going back to him. She misses him already. She misses the way her calls her babe, or the way he gives her Eskimo kisses, or the way he secretly nuzzles her skin when they watch movies and then, pretends that it isn’t him who did it. She misses being with him.

The barn feels so cold without him. It feels nothing like it did when he brought her here on her first trip out and they camped out for the night. He held her while she slept, using his body to keep her warm. The soft puffing of his breath blew her hair and warmed her neck. It was as though he’d belonged to her, just for then. There was the ground, the hay, and each other. That’s all there had been. She had no sense of anything else.

She starts when the barn doors abruptly swing open and her whirlwind dashes in. He stands in the middle and turns around in a circle.

“Abbey, sweetie, are you here?” She pulls herself back behind a haystack and peeks around, though she can’t see him down there. “Sweetie, please come out if you’re in here. Please.” Abbey remains silent and a despondent Jed shuffles out with his head down. “Abbey, please come back to me.”

It takes all of her willpower not to go to him, but she knows that things will be better this way. She lies on the floor in ball and waits for night to come, even though she has no idea what she’ll do when it does. She hates to be alone in the dark and she didn’t bring a flashlight. She wishes she could go home again.

As the hours pass, she hears Jed pass by a few times and Toby and CJ who are visiting. She remembers talking to them. CJ did her fingernails, which are burgundy and Toby made her laugh by being his usual dry self. They look good together, she decides. She’d passed them sleeping on the couch when she’d left early this morning. She’d known that he’d be at Mass and wouldn’t be back until later.

He’s looking for her. It’s as though he hadn’t done what she’d seen him do just last night. She saw him talking to a picture of them, with that same sad expression on his face. It had broken her heart for the last time and had forced her hand. She still feels that she’s doing the right thing. There’s not a thing anyone can do to change her mind. She’ll just live in the barn for the rest of her life.

“Abbey, Abigail. I know you’re here, so come out this instant.” She does no such thing. “Sweetheart, why did you run away? Was is something I did? Did I hurt you? If I did, I’m sorry. Can you forgive me? I’m afraid you’re gonna get hurt if you don’t come back with me.” She still says nothing. She thinks that he’ll get tired and leave eventually, but he’s determined to do quite the contrary. “I’m not leaving until you come back with me. We can both just sit here and starve if that’s what you want.” That’s so far from what she truly wants that her hands are tied. If she goes, he’ll be stuck in the same place; unhappy. But if she stays, he’ll stay and he’ll still be unhappy. Neither way is doing the best thing for him.

Well, she is kind of hungry. She sighs and leans forward with a little anticipation. “Jed,” she whispers a little timidly. Her voice is nowhere near what it once was, but it’s functional. “Jed,” she says again, this time a little louder.

“Babe, is that you? Are you in the hayloft?”

“Yeah.” She hears the shifting of the wood as he starts to climb the wooden latter. Soon, his head peeks over the edge and she sees the lines on his face deep from worry. They smooth away as they make eye contact. He seems so relieved to see her. Not nearly as relieved as she is to see him.

He crawls all the way up and kneels in front of her. He reaches out and tenderly traces her jaw. “Why did you run away?” She looks away from him and shrugs. “Don’t give me that, beautiful. You know why you ran. Now, please tell me.” She gnaws on her bottom lip and reaches into Jed’s jacket to get the photo in question. She hands it to him and waits for understanding to dawn. None seems to. “I don’t understand. This is a picture of you.” She shakes her head adamantly and lifts her chin defiantly. “Yes, honey, this is you.” She lets her head fall, her expression now one of sorrow instead of insolence.

She taps the picture angrily while shaking her head. Her face is turning red while her eyes are filling with tears of frustration. She hates to misunderstood. He normally understands.

He catches her twitching hand and clasps it in his own. “Calm down, Abigail. What is it?” She yanks away from him and growls at the air as she paces in front of him. “Is it this picture?” She nods and falls back to her knees on the floor. “What about it? What’s upsetting you?” She points to the elegant figure standing beside him in the picture. “Her? Okay, why is she bothering you?” She points to herself and shakes her head. His confused expression is his only response.

She clinches her hands and wipes her wet face on her sleeve. She takes the picture and holds it up for him. She struggles with her words because she’s never needed to use them with him before. It’s scary to be able to get through to him. “You --you, um,” she bites her lip in concentration. “You love --love her?” He nods slowly.

“I love you, yes.” She groans again and drops it back in his lap. She returns to her agitated movement.

“No! No --me. Not...me.” She points again, making one last effort to make him hear her. “You don’t love...me. Her.” Tears fall down her cheeks as she reverts to silence and just motions towards herself, her whole body screaming rejection. “I’m. Not. Her.” There is no eloquence in her admission. Only the sadness of someone who’s had nothing, but things to be sad about since she opened her eyes.

“But you are. You are, in a way.” She pulls away as her tries to touch her.

“No. I’m what’s left. All...that’s here --is me. Just me.” And in her eyes, that’s not nearly enough.

Somehow, it finally dawns on him. It finally sinks in. He can barely fathom the pain he’s put her through.

“You don’t think you’re enough for me?” She shrugs, but more tears still stream down her stunning face. “Oh, my God. I did this to you. I spent so much time loving what’s gone that I’ve convinced you that I don’t love you at all.” Her silence is the only answer he needs. “I am so sorry. I love you so much. Right here, today, right now. You’re completely right, babe. You are not Abigail. You are not my First Lady. You aren’t her and I need to accept that, so that you can accept that.” He stands up and takes her face into his hands. “You are more than enough. I need to let her go. I have you and I could easily have lost you that night. Whatever I may have done or said, forget it. You are you and you...are all I need. Can you ever forgive me for being so wrong?” She wipes away the tears collecting on his cheeks and smiles a little. She tries to put the right words together. She needs to know.

“Do you, um...” She presses a hand to her chest.

“Love.” She nods. “Do I love you?” She nods, her eyes so telling of what this means to her. “More than words can say and only actions can show.” She doesn’t understand what that means. “It means this.” He leans down and kisses her gently, his arms sliding around to support her as her legs turn to jelly.

Finally, both come up for air. Abbey lips are red and kiss-swollen, but she seems to get the idea. “I think you understand.” She nods with her eyes completely focused on his mouth. Very nice, she thinks. “Are you even listening to me?” Her eyes finally drift up to his and he observes the glassy gleam there. “Did you enjoy that?” Her familiar smirk is the only response. “Well, I promise that there are many more of those in our future. All of them belong to you, only you.” He rests his forehead against hers.

They share another Eskimo kiss before this new temptation gets the best of Abbey and she pulls his mouth back on top of hers.

Now this, she remembers.

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